Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Letting my learning curve go....

Hey there....

It has been a while since I posted last.  Time flies so when you are busy and somehow blogging can quickly fade to a back burner....especially when your heart is hurting and there is nothing cute, or funny  or perky to write about...at least not at this very moment.

My last post was full of those cute, perky, funny comments - but today, I think I will just speak from the heart.  When I look back and read my blog, twenty years from now, all these emotions so fresh and raw, will  have faded from my memory and will be but a blip on the radar.  And that is, after all, why I sit down and write, day in and day out....to remember.... good times, funny times, crazy times and also the sad times.

College......you apply, you are accepted, you rejoice, you agonize, you choose, you plan, you shop, you pack, you worry, you fret, you travel, you unpack and suddenly, it is time to  leave.....without them.  You come home....without them.  Eighteen years of your life is geared toward one thing...taking care of your child, so that they can one day take care of themselves, and in a one strange, bizarre, surreal moment you walk away and it is over.  Period.  They are on their own. By themselves. At college. And they don't come home.  It is a concept that you think about; but it doesn't truly sink in until you walk through the doors of your own home after you have dropped them off.  You walk into their room and they are not there.  You pet their dog and they are not there. You go to the grocery store and pick up their favorite food, only to put it back because they are not there. There is one less child in your household then has been for eighteen years.  I am fortunate as I have two more children at home - heaven help me when Ellen goes off to college... the girls frequently tell me, I need to adopt some Guatemalan babies!

I will get back to cute, perky, fun posts...but right now I need to grieve a bit.  My first born just went to college - she is the first babe I held in my arms, she is my learning curve.  The child that I tried everything out on and figured out what worked and what didn't work back in that confusing whirlwind of becoming a mother for the first time...like first time I screwed a bottle top on too loosely and milk poured all over her,  or the time I sent her to school in red leggings not knowing that "free dress" meant only jeans.  She still won't let me live that one down! Sorry Elizabeth,  but you really did turn out to be an awesome girl! Everything with her is a "first", because she is a "first". Her college, so wisely and appropriately, mailed an article that was waiting for us in the mail when we returned home.  It reminded us that this momentous experience is not about me, nor is about you - and therein lies the problem for most of us who are letting our offspring break the apron strings and matriculate to the great unknown.....we have to let them go.  But, it is still not easy.....






3 comments:

  1. It takes a strong mom to let her child go away to school, so far away. She will love you forever for giving her the encouragement to be an independent woman.

    That said, I am crying and hugging my babies right now.

    Charlie keeps asking if he can be the baby- telling me that HE wants to be one year old. I tell him that no matter what, he'll always be my baby- my first baby- and I guess that even at 18 they are still that.

    Chin up. We'll be there to distract you soon!

    Big hugs from all of us up here.

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  2. Charlie Arnoult wrote a letter to Ellen at camp ~ it was one sentence long...it said -The first time is always the best! Love Charlie

    How true....there is nothing like those first moments with each child, and all the special "firsts" that you go through with each of them. But your right, your first child is your first baby, no matter how old they get.

    Looking forward to your big arrival! And don't worry about me - I am busy as a bee with all sorts of projects to keep me occupied.

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  3. Awww....loved reading this! EXACTLY how I felt 15 years ago walking back into our house after leaving our daughter, and half her wordily possessions at the San Francisco airport. She insisted on flying off across rhe country to Virginia all by herself! Yes. It's a 24 hour job the moment that first born arrives and 18 years later you get laid off from that job is just how it feels. But now you know how quickly it goes and the next child gets to try out being the "oldest". Our second thought it had looked much better than it was!
    Keep your chin up for a job well done and remember.....you would be crying even harder if she didn't get this most wonderful experience on her own just as you had always planned for her.
    PS. I used to drive our youngest down an out of the way street in our town just to see trees like the ones on Mary's campus. Until one day when Ann proclaimed ENOUGH Mother!

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